Calling For a Ban on This TOXIC Mother’s Day Message: Thanks for ALL THE THINGS You Do!

You don't have to do all the things.

 

I helped my daughter pick out some flowers for her teacher this week to show her appreciation for ALL THE THINGS she has done for her this year.

At the last minute Friday morning, she scrambled to find a message to go with them. She had already made her a giant sized card out of poster board, but this girl doesn’t do anything half way. She copied these words on a little card, glued it to a dowel stick and inserted it into the vase and was finally satisfied with her offer.

These words can be found on countless Mother’s day cards, and who knows, maybe you will get one tomorrow with a similar message, because after all , isn’t that what we do?

ALL THE THINGS?

Our families are grateful.
Maybe that is the outcome we desire;
To be appreciated.

My question for you this morning is ,

“What is it costing you?”

I had the pleasure of being a guest panelist at an Early Intervention Conference yesterday where we shared our experience overcoming challenges that often arise when working with families. It was a good discussion, but I got there a little early , and snuck into a session given by a Behavior Specialist that I found more interesting.

I loved how she didn’t just jump right into how to fix behaviors, but showed us how to study them; to get curious so we can understand the motivating factor behind them.
One of the behaviors she led with was one I have encountered in several children called Pica.
It’s when a child has a craving for non food items. They will pick up carpet strings, metal objects, hair, dirt, paint chips.. and ingest them.

Anyone want to sprinkle a little hair and dirt on their yogurt this morning?

I know, right?

It’s hard to understand what would cause them to crave this kind of behavior.
I love what the lecturer shared next. In order for her to understand their motivating factor, she would often engage in the behavior to see what they might be getting out of it. How was it serving them? What were they seeking?
She discovered that often it’s the tactile feedback or the iron found in the substance.

Usually there is some kind of deficiency that they are seeking to fill.

 

Let’s press pause here.

I have been doing some survey’s this week , talking to women health care professionals who are balancing work, motherhood, and ministry.

When I asked them what their greatest challenge was , here are the words they repeated time and time again.

There is not enough time for ALL THE THINGS I have to do.”

“There is too much crap to do.”

“There are not enough hours in the day for my list of THINGS to do.”

“There are too many distractions.”

TOO MANY THINGS…”

and along with those words came these..

“I’m tired of being who everyone else needs ME to be.”

“There is no more of ME to give.”

“There is nothing left of ME.”

“I’m tired of running myself ragged.”

of “FEELING DEPLETED.

Here’s the interesting thing about Pica.

They start out seeking  all the things they ingest due to a deficiency; a lack, but over time, instead of receiving what their body needs from those things, they end up with TOO MUCH.

 

Instead of receiving the nourishment they were looking for, they end up with TOXICITY.

 

Do you see a correlation here?

Maybe we need to take the Behavior Therapist’s advice and step back and study our habits and behaviors.

What is our underlying motivation for doing ALL THE THINGS?

Here are some of the common MOTIVATING FACTORS she listed:

  • gaining access to a preferred thing
  • exerting control over a situation
  • to escape or avoid something
  • to gain social attention or
  • for internal gratification

QUESTIONS TO PONDER..

What are you trying to gain access to?
Exert control over?
What might you being trying to escape or avoid?
What attention are you seeking?
What internal gratification are you getting from doing all the things?

Ouch.

Here’s what we need to know.

Our underlying motivation usually has a positive intention.

 

Just like the child seeking non food items to meet a legitimate need, we often attempt to DO ALL THE THINGS as a way of meeting our basic needs.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs Theory states that in order for us to address our GROWTH, our BASIC NEEDS have to be met.; our physiological needs such as food, shelter, sleep, and he even includes sex! LOL

Ladies, that means without sleep and sex our growth is stunted. Ha!

Sounds like maybe instead of a mother’s day card you might need to spend your day in bed!

But I diverse…

It’s this next level that I think trips us up and gets us running ragged…

Beyond the biological needs lie our basic needs for LOVE, SAFETY, and BELONGING.

When we feel a LACK of love, safety, belonging we will literally do ALL THE THINGS and then some to try and get these needs met.

Here is what I found fascinating…

He classified our needs into two categories: Deficiency Needs and Growth Needs.

Our need for love , safety, belonging ( and sleep and sex) are Deficiency Needs.

If our basic needs aren’t met, there is no progression to GROWTH.

Wow, that’s pretty eye opening isn’t it?

No wonder we get Stuck and feel like we can’t move forward?

So when there is a deficiency in any of those basic needs, we are motivated to fulfill them. This means we are being motivated from a state of deprivation and if you follow me on Social Media you know that Deprivation isn’t a very good motivator.

Anyone following me here?

Let me wrap this up by giving YOU a visual.

Just remember PICA.

ALL THE THINGS we are trying to do to meet our lack for love, safety, belonging… is a lot like the hair ,the carpet strings, the dirt, and metals that these kids with a deficiency seek out to try and gain what is lacking.. The problem is over time, what was sought by an underlying good intention, leads to excess and a state of TOXICITY.

One of the women I surveyed recognized this and very wisely acknowledged..

” It’s costing me my health.”

I know this study of our behaviors was not a very sweet letter for you to display on your refrigerator, but I just don’t think it is very loving to keep patting you on the back for THE THINGS that are destroying your physical, mental, emotional ,and spiritual health.

My WHY , my MOFA, my motivating factor is

YOUR GROWTH and DEVELOPMENT.

Maybe there is an underlying deficiency somewhere in me that longs for this , but I do believe GOD made you with the capacity to THRIVE.

If we are ever going to STEP into the FULL POTENTIAL of who God designed us to be, we are going to have to start looking for more nourishing alternatives.

Here is the SWEET part. The part you can hang with a magnet on your fridge …

Are you ready to stop running yourself ragged?

Growth needs do not stem from a lack of something, but rather from a desire to grow as a person.

Now that’s motivating.

That’s what I want.

Here is the key to growth.

We have to be FULL before we can grow. Just like that flower in the picture. It’s got to suck up that life giving water and let it invade every cell until there is expansion, and then from that place of HEALTH it can GROW and bring beauty to the world around it.

“But Kate, it’s not that easy. I wish it was as simple as it is for the flower.”

I hear you, but can you try something this week?

Ask yourself , ” What do I need to let go of?”

And then just practice some self awareness..

When your body signals lack, depletion, or starts to shout,

” Hey lady! I’m running on empty!”

GO GET FILLED UP.

Not by doing more things, but by pressing pause, stepping back from trying to gain access or exert control, and

simply SIT in the presence of JESUS.

Breathe in his LOVE for you.
Find SAFETY under the shadow of his wings.
Know that YOU BELONG in that space.

Your were created to connect with HIM. I know you know that in your head, but it’s time to recognize what we are doing is toxic.

HE alone is your HEALTH.

Here is my GIFT for YOU!

If you know what to do, but could use the accountability and support to start walking in wellness again, I am offering my one on one

Total Transformation Program

at 25% off of what I will be charging when I complete my certification this summer for anyone who signs up during the month of May!

This is your chance to have a personal coach to cheer you on, nudge you forward, and help hold the vision of
YOU at your FULL POTENTIAL.

Sign up for a FREE Discovery Breakthrough Call today to find out more!

CLICK HERE TO MAKE YOU THE PRIORITY TODAY.

Happy Mother’s Day!

If you are not a momma, this message is still for YOU!

YOU are dearly loved and God desires to flow and multiply his love through you just the same!

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Why Changing Our Minds is a Good Thing: Creating Healthy Thought Patterns

 

I don’t know about you but I CHANGE MY MIND a lot.

Maybe I have a little perfectionism in me or it’s just that  I like to weigh things carefully and consider all of my options.

My indecision can drive my husband crazy.

Anyone ever used this comeback when your man started rolling his eyes at your vacillation?

” I’m a woman. I have the right to change my mind.”

But seriously, this is why I practice minimalism as much as possible. The fewer decisions I have to make, the better.

I’m learning, however, that CHANGING MY MIND can be a good thing.

Continue reading “Why Changing Our Minds is a Good Thing: Creating Healthy Thought Patterns”

Undigested Emotion: Why Ice Cream Can’t Satisfy the Hunger of the Heart

I came in the house the other night with my emotions leading the way.
They led me straight to the refrigerator where my brain came up with the best survival strategy it knew: peanut butter and chocolate ice cream.  I took my bowl and sat down to digest it hoping that it would make me feel better about what I had just experienced. It tasted good going down, but when I got to the bottom of the bowl not only were the negative feelings  still there, now I had a lump of ice cream just sitting in my gut along with my undigested emotions. 

Instead of taking the time to digest my negative emotions I opted to ingest something more pleasurable.  

I just wanted to FEEL BETTER. 

Sometimes when a storm starts brewing inside of us we, with good intentions, go into survival mode by trying to make the best of it. We reach for our go to solution that has “served us well” in the past.

 For me it’s ice cream; for you maybe it’s a glass of wine.

Continue reading “Undigested Emotion: Why Ice Cream Can’t Satisfy the Hunger of the Heart”

What Type of Culture Am I Creating Around FOOD in My Home?


I have been doing a little experiment with FOOD the last month. 

I started my training to become certified as a HEALTH and WELLNESS/LIFE COACH and decided I needed to join in on the cleanse they were doing.

Y ‘all I am so not into FOOD FADS.  I am too frugal to shop in the organic section of the grocery store, and I despise quinoa! 

I decided to try this Cleanse/Healthy eating thing NOT  because I am passionate about nutrition or getting some kind of result, but more out of curiosity… 

Continue reading “What Type of Culture Am I Creating Around FOOD in My Home?”

Identifying, Relating, and Resonating: The Writer’s Struggle..

 

I could feel it happening.. my confidence shrinking, the vision of my dreams slowly fading, the clarity I had just moments before being replaced by a storm cloud that came out of no where ..

I just wanted to end the call…

What was I doing?

Who did I think I was and why in the world did I think I could do anything like this?

I couldn’t even receive her attempts to encourage me , and her offers to continue coaching me were like banana peels I just wanted to throw away… useless.

I pushed the ‘leave the meeting’ button just in time to protect the last ounce of pride I had, and let the tears well up as I slapped my lap top shut like it had betrayed me..

 

I had just spent HOURS of my day on something that I could not even articulate … What a waste..

If someone asks me one more time what my WHY is I am going to scream!

” I DON’t KNOW!!”

“WHY DO I HAVE TO KNOW!”

“WHY CAN”T I JUST LIVE, MOVE AND BE without having to explain it? ”

I am sooo tired of trying to figure it out….

My assignment was to keep working on gaining clarity for what my readers needed so that I could use their language and write with that in mind.. So I could RELATE and RESONATE.

Why did that feel like I was betraying my voice?

I was reminded that I can’t just write for myself. That I have to speak my reader’s language…

Doesn’t she know writing is breathing to me?
That if I deny the voice in my heart that is dying to get out then I might as well not write?

How can I BE MYSELF while trying to analyze someone else’s voice and then use marketing strategies to try and reel them in like a fish , making them think I must be speaking directly to them?

That feels like deceit.

Honesty is one of my core values.

I say what I mean and I can not just say what the listener wants to hear.

But then again… what’s the point in putting anything out there for others to read unless it will benefit them?

If I just want to write for me and my benefit then why am I even doing this?

I keep telling myself that is not my motivation, but then why did I get so offended? so hurt?

Why was she telling me to deny my voice?

it was sooo confusing..

First it was ,”You have to find your authentic voice,”… and in the next breathe… “You can’t say it like that because no one will RELATE. You have to change your language so it RESONATES with them… ”

Ugh…. that is too hard and that feels like giving up my identity…

Thus the tears and the trigger…
” I am being rejected… ”
“What I have to say; what I feel, is not what people need… ”
“I am not needed.. ”
“I cannot help anyone… ”
“I am not enough…. ”

..but what about that question I was challenged with in small group the other night when we were studying effective communication..

“Is the purpose of your communication to help the other person flourish or to just make your point?”

Isn’t communication about CONNECTION?

About learning to RELATE so that we are living, moving, and being in relationship together…

Is my life , my work and my gift  just for self expression or is there a greater purpose?

I have got to figure out what IDENTITY even means and why I need to cling to it so much.

Haven’t I struggled with doing it alone?
Haven’t I been longing to CONNECT; to RELATE?

So why am I clinging to ME?

No wonder I have struggled with CONNECTION; thinking people just don’t get me… Or want to …

Lord help me get out of my head and learn to see beyond me!

Remind me that my IDENTITY is IN YOU.

You created me and wired me uniquely, but for a purpose that is greater than myself.

Just as the tree was not made simply to be a tree.

Sure it could stand there all tall and mighty, but unless it drops its leaves,bears fruit, and allows it’s branches to be a place of habitation, it’s canopy to be a covering, and it’s roots to grow wide and deep then It may have hung onto it’s identity but it will shrivel up and die.

Without purpose that extends beyond itself IDENTITY is meaningless.

 

Webster’s says IDENTITY is the distinguishing character or personality of an individual; individuality; a close similarity or affinity.

It’s what distinguishes us…
but one of the synonyms is SAMENESS…
hmmm..

A closely related word is IDENTIFY, which means..

  • to establish or indicate who or what (someone or something) is;
  • to describe oneself as belonging to;
  • associate (someone) closely with;
  • regard (someone) as having strong links with.

..to link, RELATE, know, discern, pinpoint ,CONNECT..

I think I get it now…

I think the question I have to ask myself is ..

Do I want to fight for my IDENTITY or to IDENTIFY with others?

Do I want to find a tribe of people to do life with; to CONNECT, RELATE; really KNOW others and PINPOINT how we share similar struggles and then LINK up with them so that TOGETHER we can express the full IMAGE and splendor of the creator?

Do I want to talk to myself or have a DIALOGUE?

Can I truly flourish alone?

Alright. I got it.

Lies identified. Truth uncovered.

Here’s another great lesson I learned in my Propel Women’s Personal Leadership group. I think Lisa Harper said it..

” You gotta throw the enemy up against the car and frisk him.”
” Put him in a choke hold until you suffocate his voice and you can’t hear him anymore.” ( Bianca Olthoff)

The enemy always tries to convince us to fight for self , for our rights , for our identity … but he leaves out some vital information.

WE WERE CREATED for MORE than SELF.

To fight for self and focus inwardly is to shrivel up and die.

It’s when we open up and learn to IDENTIFY with those God has placed around us that we truly LIVE and find a purpose for our voice.

 

I stopped myself before I sat down to write this morning and reminded myself to worship first.
..to get out of my head and invite His presence to MOVE in me…

My dog was a little confused by my change in habit as he had just settled by my feet under the picnic table. Because he values CONNECTION more than his comfort he followed me in and sat beside me as I asked Alexa to play us some Hillsong worship..

Here are the words that brought me back from yesterdays rejection to remind me..

“It’s OK not to be OK.”

We are all broken and scattered.

That’s what we have in common.

We all need to be made WHOLE.

But it doesn’t happen by closing our fists around ourselves.

WHOLENESS is the gift on the other side of release…

When we hand over our broken pieces and allow HIM to mend them , blend them, multiply them and distribute them…together  WE ARE MADE WHOLE.

Interesting how the words she used were the words my heart was feeling…

Does that mean the song is not the authentic voice from her heart? I don’t think so.. I think it means she allowed the One who unites us in Spirit to speak the language through her that I needed to hear …

in order that I might be mended and WHOLE ….

not just for my own sake, but so that, just maybe, you might be raised up today too.

All these pieces
Broken and scattered
In mercy gathered
Mended and whole

Empty-handed
But not forsaken

I’ve been set free
I’ve been set free

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me, oh
I once was lost
But now I’m found
Was blind but now I see
Oh, I can see it now
Oh, I can see the love in Your eyes
Laying yourself down
Raising up the broken to life
You take our failure
You take our weakness
You set Your treasure
In jars of clay

So take this heart, Lord
I’ll be Your vessel
The world to see
Your life in me,

Can you see it now? Do you get it?
Listen here and let the words wash over you.

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is IN HIM.
They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”
Jeremiah 17: 7-8